Old diary and a book

I'm studying, while listening to sea wave sound on Youtube.
The Internet is so addictive and distracting that I always feel cautious of that, but such a function was what I didn't expect in the days when the Internet didn't exist.
I can hear the sounds of sea gulls both from the video on my laptop and from outside of my room.
I feel that the seagulls outside my room sing more passionately and powerfully, actually rather close to shouting , whereas the seagulls' sound in the video clip is like coming from far away and much weaker than that of their Edinburgh friends.

The other day I saw my notes on one of my old diaries.
One of the notes showed my struggle for making a decision about my career.
I was pondering over the options between taking a residency program in a hospital in Seoul and becoming a history teacher in the high school in Gwangju.
The note also showed that I was considering of resigning from the school in the future for my career plans.
The reality is that I gave up applying for the hospital and became employed by the school in Gwangju.
And now I'm studying abroad without need to resign my job in the present school in Seoul.

In fact, I realised that for so long I had forgot that studying history of medicine had been one of my goals when changing my career.
Often I've asked myself, since I came to Scotland, why I'd come to be studying history of medicine, not economic history or some other interesting topics that attracted my eyes.
But the note that I wrote in the past reminded me of my earlier thought that I had forgot for such a long time.

Another thing I came across the other day was a South Korean poet's Facebook post.
His name is Ryu Shiva.
He was the translator of one unforgettable book in my life.
It was one of Darryl Anka's books, whose Korean title was Live the life which makes your heart thrilled.
The year that I met the book was when I was working as an intern in one of my university hospitals in Seoul after graduating the dental school.
The only time allowed me to go outside the hospital at the time, so called 'off', was half a day per week from Saturday noon to Sunday morning.
I was at that time, extremely depressed.
When I was called to join a surgery for assist, which usually lasted for several hours, the only comfort for me was eating Snickers, which I used to buy in the convenient store inside the hospital before changing into the surgical gown.
The book was one of the things that I met by chance in the store while buying Snickers.
It had just been published at the time.
I bought the book and read it from time to time.

The book told me to see myself and to ask myself whether I was happy then.
I was not happy.
I wanted to quit the job.
But, I didn't have any plans for my future other than living as a dentist.

However, I followed my heart.
I decided to quit the job.
I was threatened not to, but I did quit it.

I left the hospital.
I still remember the day I left there and the air that I breathed when I was walking on the street in a week day, which had not been allowed to me for months until then.
It was at noon of a sunny day.

Then I entered a completely new life.
And the new life was definitely not only risky but also much more challenging life with a lot harder work compared with just remaining inside the hospital.
I had to pass a series of gates which examined my ability in comparison with others.
I had to prove my value to the examiners and the employers.
I passed some of them, while I failed in some of them.
However, the real competition was not with others but with myself.

The endless ending credit rolls after the Hollywood movies not only show that there are so many jobs in the world, but also teach us that, in one piece of 'product' in the market that we consume mindlessly eating popcorn and coke, there are enormous efforts and sweat behind it.
Actually we all know that any 'product' in our lives accompanies such efforts and sweat.
Life is a battle ... with no one but myself to improve myself and to become a better person.
And to achieve any goal, it is well-known truism that to control ourselves is more important than any other things because maintaining inner peace is the fundamental force that enables us to endeavour to make a piece of 'product'.

So on one side, I just followed my heart.
I lived the life that made my heart thrilled.
And still I am living such a life now.
But on the other side, I struggled to calm my emotions down all the time exactly in order to live the heart-throbbing life.

Now I don't care how I would end up whether teaching university students or high school students.
Either would be as precious as the other would.
That's not important.
The important thing is that, wherever I'd be working, with my expertise I want to help those who are as interested in history of medicine in South Korea as I was when I considered the field as my future career.
Still, history of medicine is kind of virgin soil in South Korea, and I want to be a light house for some people out there who are wondering.

But a more important thing that I always feel and I learned from my past experiences is to pay attention to the precious meanings of all the small things in my work and in my life.
No one can judge a person's life no matter how it might look like, whether small or great.
For this reason, I truly believe that the most gifted person is the one who has the ability to feel grateful constantly and at every moment.
It is such a critical 'ability'.
So critical..